day #94

coming out from under a dark cloud.

my passion has been tested & refined during the past few months,

and i'm happy to say that i'm starting to see it again.

and this time, it's version 2.0!

i've come to recognize that my core values & strengths were not aligned with my behavior.

my energy was being diffused by activities & investments that were incongruent.

so i've taken some time to reacquaint myself with my "core",

and the plan is to work from there rather than take on whatever comes my way.

this year, passion is about authenticity.

it does me no good to go outside of who my Creator intended me to be:

• it depletes my energy
• it stunts my growth
• it hurts others close to me
• it gets really confusing

this morning, i sat down & wrote about my core.

i identified that i love to create, produce, encourage, research, collaborate, & delegate

(among many other things).

i also wrote down what i don't love:

things like detailed attention to financial responsibilities & engaging in mundane activities that lack challenge.

sure, we'll still have to be fiscally disciplined,

but now i can admit that i have interests & abilities in other areas which i'd like to pursue.

that holds promise, rather than a dead end.

i'm feeling energized this morning in a way i haven't in months.

i'm grateful for this Divine surge of excitement about possibilities & alignment.

being me:

it's less work, with greater rewards.

day #69

spent last weekend in a screenwriting workshop.

this is a passion i've put off for a while.

i've dabbled here & there,

but i wouldn't allow myself to dive in.

with bob's encouragement, i did it.

it was a huge time & $ commitment,

but it was worth it.

i stretched.

i was uncomfortable.

i was creative.

and now there is no turning back.

to have that kind of opportunity & not do anything with it is ungrateful & unwise.

this year, passion is about seeking out deferred opportunities & acting upon them.

right now, i'm just feeling out a script concept,

but that won't be where it ends.

please hold me to that. ;)

day #55

~be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.~

1 thessalonians 5:16-18

it's been a busy/tough past 2 weeks,

at least 4 days of which were spent sprawled on the couch in pain from a toothache.

but there was still joy in the pain, and passion to be celebrated.

the thing i'm learning this month about passion is that it comes from unexpected places & at unexpected times.

passion doesn't like to be predictable or controlled.

and it doesn't like to be ignored.

ignoring & not appreciating it causes it to go in search of another.

that was why the verses at the start of this entry appealed to me.

they're an invitation to gratitude even when things seems off/odd/wrong.

i'm coming to recognize that it's when things are o/o/w that passion is a breath away.

that unpredictable, uncontrollable creativity is being dislodged.

today, i'm appreciative of the interruption that breaks my routine,

the uncomfortable challenge that introduces me to new people,

the rote homework assignment that goes tangential into a new area of discovery.

today, i am praying to be perpetually, sincerely thankful.

day #43

been reading through 1 thessalonians, & skipping over parts.

this is amusing to me, as the book is only 4 pages long in the message bible.

however, i found i couldn't relate with some elements & moved on.

and then i took a moment this morning to ask myself:

why can't i relate?

what are those elements?

the answer was this:

i couldn't relate with the intensity of love that paul expressed toward the thessalonians.

he genuinely loved them.

an intense philos love.

and that doesn't compute for me.

to me, philos love is a just nice, pleasant thing.

i'm unfamiliar with it having the passion of eros.

to hear it expressed to that level seems fraudulent, insincere.

but as i've gone back & read it over, it's completely sincere.

paul really liked these people!

so my passion paradigms are shifting a smidge this morning:

aching passion can be expressed in friendship & platonic appreciation.

that doesn't jive with me quite yet, but i'm open to examples.

today, i'm questioning the boundaries & limits i've placed on these relationships in my life.

day #41

it's a birthday party!

i've been tied up with work, school, & a sick cat,

and today is bob's birthday.

but i've managed to make time & create space to embrace this special day.

birthdays are an interesting phenomenon.

they're a celebration of life & the uniqueness of each person,

but they can also be times of stress & the unpleasantry of unmet expectations.

today, i'm going easy on myself & bob so we can truly enjoy his day.

this year, passion is about celebrating the celebrations,

not freaking out & worrying over them.

after all, it's the improvised moments that mean the most in the end.

days #31-39

it's been a long, hard week.

lots of driving & busyness,

mixed with trying to settle emotions stirred up by all the activity.

i don't tend to be an extremely emotional person,

so enduring emotional upheaval is a true test of patience for me.

but this unsettlement within me allowed me a window into something i rarely examine:

i was able to tune into how i feel about events, behaviors, etc.

typically, i'd make a quick decision about the situation & move on,

but being in this emotional place gave me an entirely different vantage point.

for example,

things that annoy me usually just get ignored by me,

but by checking into the feelings being triggered i could understand why i was annoyed.

my body was trying to give me messages to help me.

so this past week i learned to be a better listener to myself.

by working to know my feelings,

i can take on a new p.o.v. to open myself up to new possibilities.

i mean, what's passion without some emotion?

days #26-#30

this week has been busy & full of life lessons.

i've traveled to & from tucson (soon to be to & from again),

assisted bob in editing our film to submit to a film festival,

attempted to actually get some work done at the office,

and engaged in a work activity that involved downtown PHX & the light rail.

that last one is what i want to really examine right now.

the concept of this event was a photo collage of an adventure with coworkers.

the purpose of it was to get us out of the office & learning about each other.

but that doesn't mean i wasn't partially dreading it.

my comfort zone is somewhat nebulous, but there is a key trait:

i act alone.

pushing my boundaries is a lot easier when i don't have someone there pushing them with me.

and this event forced me to push my boundaries with 5 people i barely know in a teamwork event.

can i tell you a secret?

it was great.

in my cynical college-student days,

i would've referred to this as mandated fun.

that day, though, i actually got it.

riding on the light rail, racing from museum to library,

i felt like i was expanding.

(it was probably just my comfort zone that was shape-shifting, but i could feel myself going along with it.)

passion is messy, and it must not be assigned parameters.

when i sit in a comfort zone of my own design with fences to keep me inside,

i miss out on the energy right outside it.

if i keep on doing what i've done before,

i'll just keep creating what i've created before.

that's boring.

God created us as relational beings,

and we need more than just ourselves to make real magic happen in this world.

so i now have 5 more people in my life, 5 more sources of creativity & magic.

days #22-#25

i've been off the grid, indulging a growing passion:

bob, a team of PHX creatives, & i made a full microshort this weekend.

we've been making films together since we met:

he directs, i write, & we make magic happen.

it's tough working so closely & intensely sometimes,

and we've learned a lot about teamwork through it all.

i guess my passion for making films goes hand-in-hand with my passion for my marriage.

i see them as linked, since they have been since day 1.

i mean, we met because of a video camera!

(for that story, here is the article.)

my trouble is that i can be extremely passionate,

and when something goes awry i don't know how else to react but to smother my flame.

it's like i'm saying,

"if this isn't going to go my way, i'll just pretend i don't care at all."

self-sabotage.

neither films nor good marriages get made that way.

this year, passion means keeping the flame alive even when the wind blows,

the oxygen is all but gone,

and all i want to do is snuff out the wick.

it means fanning the flame & believing that a fire can result.

day #21

today is my mom's birthday.

she's 29 & holding.

if there is anyone in this world who exhibits obvious passion in her life,

it's my mom.

mom loves teaching, as well as the kids in her class.

when i call her to catch up, i am always an audience to her stories of their successes or tragedies --

but most often their successes, since she believes so much in them.

(she does hurt when they hurt, too, and she shares this pain openly.)

passion for life, her family, and her faith drives my mom.

people love being around her because she exudes energy & positivity.

i am grateful to have such direct access to a real-life role model.

if you read this, mom, happy birthday.

days #19 & #20

my senses go into overload a lot.

sometimes i get mentally overwhelmed,

and other times i just automatically block out some of the stimuli.

default attention-selection.

today as i walked in the brisk air to the mailbox, i decided to close my eyes.

shutting down that one sense ignited the others!

i felt the subtle breeze & smelled a pre-rain odor.

my tastebuds recalled the soy chai i had earlier.

i heard neighborhood life.

and all because i limited the input.

mind you, the scenery was fantastic.

a pastel-blending sunset framing the mountains.

there was nothing i wanted to avoid,

except for overstimulation.

for me, passion is about mindfulness, being alive from second to second.

but i get distracted, especially when life is happening.

you know, like all the time.

so today i'm taking time to shut down senses,

focusing on the sensations that remain.

days #15-#18

three-day weekends throw me for a loop.

when i was younger, a day off meant VACATION!

now, it means having more time for organizing, errand-running, & homework.

my to-do list for today looks nothing like a passion-igniter.

but yesterday's message at our church certainly was.

after talking about how our small expectations can get in the way of God actually creating something awesome --

or, at least, get in the way of us appreciating it

-- pastor john challenged us to consider some questions during reflection time.

the last one was the one that got me:

what "small" dream do you need to kill off to make way for the big plans God has for you?

ouch.

i am notorious for planning first, then asking God what He thinks later.

and my dreams are often selfish.

so to be faced with a question asking what artery-clogging agent i am clinging to that is keeping the blood flowing to the right places...

well, needless to say i had an unexpected, uncomfortable about-face right then & there.

it's contradictory to say,

"i believe God has the best in mind for me,"

then go make my own plans & get angry at Him when He intervenes.

and my passion is squelched when i take it all into my own hands.

so i used the reflection time to do some serious open heart surgery.

i want those arteries cleaned out so my heart pumps clearly & in rhythm with Daddy's song for my life.

today, amongst the errand-running & such,

i'm making time to offer up dreams for the killing.

i know if He takes one, He'll replace it with something better.

He always has & always will.

and He is where true passion starts.

days #13 & #14

learning to simplify.

it's hard to experience passion when i'm pulled in numerous directions.

i might mistake the ache of excitement for just an ache of overload --

if i feel the ache at all.

throughout the past several years, i've been learning about setting boundaries.

this includes knowing my limits & respecting them,

while also pushing those that have growth potential.

this requires some interesting conditional formatting in my life's excel table.

IF stretching in this area leads to simplification & joy,

THEN seek stretching opportunities.

IF stretching in this area leads to burnout & misery,

THEN set a boundary to honor known limits.

so as i'm simplifying, i'm reviewing some of my established boundaries.

for example, i'm currently working full-time & going to school full-time.

i'm also involved in making films with bob, writing articles for publication, maintaining this blog & my comic blog, attending church, networking socially/professionally, & other activities.

my time can only be divided so many ways, though,

so i'm evaluating ways to better simplify my activities so i can create room for passion.

bob, on the other hand, simplifies by removing clutter.

he feels open to creativity when his stuff if physically organized & stored away.

it's interesting all the preparations we need to make to welcome flow.

perhaps a dose of preventative medicine would be helpful next time...

what are some ways you've simplified your life?

leave a comment, or email me: jessica @ sailbear.net

day #12

i decided to inconvenience myself today.

being someone who arranges grocery bags so everything can get carried in on one trip,

plots out maps so all errands can be run in one linear course,

and arranges my schedule to make room for surprises,

i don't allow space for inconvenience.

so i suppose i was due some.

the call came as i prepared to tackle a new data analysis project:

i was needed to assist with proctoring an exam.

this had not been in my schedule, and so i thought about my options:

being that this was an inconvenience for me, perhaps we should find a time when it would be more convenient &, therefore, comfortable.

but then i remembered why i do this job.

it's not about my sense of security;

it's about helping young people discover their passion.

why would i squash that because i had my own to-do list?

so i chose to be inconvenienced,

gathering all my items with me to take to the exam room.

(i wouldn't want to have to make a second trip because i forgot something.)

the student & i sat down,

she with her exam,

i without enough space to work on my project while waiting for her.

and i was uncharacteristically grateful for that,

because i would not have planned it that way.

when she finished, she smiled & thanked me several times.

i sincerely told her it was my pleasure.

i remembered my passion for my job today.

it came from getting out of my routine & actually looking at why i was there.

days #10 & #11

i'm working on a list of passion-blockers.

as i write each one down, i feel a twinge of guilt at how i've let it get to me in the past.

fatigue

denial of ability/passion

fear

resistance

others' reactions

unrealistic standards

distraction

formalization

and so on...

my internal conflict comes from my belief that Jesus,

in all His wisdom & love,

has given us all unique passion in each of our lives.

however, we busy ourselves & bury the passion,

missing a key & pivotal opportunity in our lives to experience that personal gift!

as i look over this emerging list of passion-blockers, my guilt is that i've let these take over when i could be letting passion into the mix.

but it doesn't have to end there.

guilt motivates; shame incapacitates.

i won't let this turn to shame.

i'll let the guilt motivate me to bust down some of those passion-blockers.

the best antidote to passion-blockers is action.

simply making movement rather than letting them paralyze reduces much of their power.

today, when a passion-blocker shows up on the scene,

i'm starting a lively argument against it & taking action.

it's better than sitting still & feeling guilty forever.

day #9: a new face

i just wanted to buy some mascara.

i had researched it for months in relation to my preferred mascara brand of several years,

the green clinique tube i've perpetually used beyond the recommended 4 months.

and as i sat in the chair receiving my impromptu 15-minute makeover,

i thought how comparatively impulsive it was for me to agree to this.

the artist, a friendly woman named debbie, worked quickly as she informed me about the various products coating my face & eyes.

she insisted my skin was dry & required "hydration".

"hydration" apparently feels like lacquer.

now don't get me wrong:

i love makeup.

i have a kaboodle kit --

yes, i still own one

-- filled with various eyeshadows, lipsticks, & eyeliners that i employee throughout the week.

i've been wearing an evolving regimen of products since i was 12.

and i've settled on the fact that i am a lips & eye girl.

but even those are in moderation.

so when i peeked in the mirror after the final coat of mascara was applied,

i was shocked at the array of colors that greeted me.

after the initial befuddlement that impaired my response system,

i was able to stammer that it was "fun."

after some careful blending & strategic product removal,

i could confess i kinda liked it.

you know, in that way that accepts a new situation but offers no personal commitment to it.

debbie was pleased with her creation, having admittedly gotten carried away during the process due to me practicing a yes-and mentality.

D: "i'm going to do two types of mascara, jessica."

J: "yes, and why not make it extra thick!"

i drove away with my new mascara & nothing more,

save the free products that were thrown in for being a first-time customer

(&, i like to believe, a good sport).

at each stoplight, i chipped a few more layers off the spider-web eyelashes on my left eye,

the length of which,

due to the length-enhancing serum within that one type of mascara,

bore a striking resemblance to falsies.

my glossified lips formed into a smile at how i'd embraced an opportunity atypical to me:

i met a new person & tried on a new face, all in the course of a fraction of an hour.

passion this year is about trying new things & experiencing the consequences,

rather than fearing those consequences and missing out.

the cost of a tube of mascara was worth that lesson this afternoon.

day #8: disconnect to connect

i like this concept a lot:

"connecting by disconnecting".

i've also been recently made aware of a multi-tasking fast:

doing only one thing at a time.

mono-tasking.

while i don't struggle with a crackberry addiction or a need to drown my thoughts with the radio,

i do find myself wasting time being too "plugged in".

i'm not certain i could or should unplug completely in today's culture,

but this article has challenged me to cut back.

i realized how much i needed to as i watched TV last night while

• emailing
• working on a book proposal
• writing an article
• texting

eliminating one of those things would increase the quality of all the others.

i think i'll consider attempting the unplugging endeavor or the mono-tasking challenge.

or at least a modified variation of one.

day #7

we ripped 3 links off the blue paper chain hanging in our bedroom this morning.
the chain represents our debt, each link being $1,000.

there was a time in my life when spending $1,000 was an absurd thought.
however, i came into this marriage with

$7,000 of debt that i owed on my car
+ $5,000 remaining on my school loan.
____________________________
$12,000 in the hole.

add that to what bob had being a homeowner with a mortgage,
and our chain was too long for us not to notice it.

since day 1 of our marriage, we've been working to rip off those paper links.
there is a growing stack of blue construction-paper strips on our shelf,
and we're salivating for the finish line.
(i know, it's a weird metaphor.)

passion this year means not allowing someone else to control our finances &, consequently, our lives.

being free of debt will allow us to
"live like no one else,"
to borrow dave ramsey's quote.

our goal is to be out of this money vacuum by bob's birthday next month.
with "gazelle-like intensity" (another dave-ism), we're zeroing in on that target.
will those remaining 7 links dissolve in the next 34 days?
stay tuned...

~don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other.~
romans 13:8

day #5 & #6

much of my thinking takes place in the car.
i can already predict that --
should a pie chart be made of the topics this blog discusses this year
-- a mention of car drives will be a sizable & tasty slice.

as i drove to work yesterday, i found myself really listening to the lyrics on KLove.
i saw drivers & landscape around me.
colors were vibrant & organic.

in other words, i turned off the auto-pilot.

what fun to be engaged in the everyday moments!

i recall hearing eleanor josaitis, co-founder of focus: hope, speak once.
she remarked that she never took the same way to work.
now that is an adventure-seeker!
that is someone who is purposely keeping the auto-pilot off.

this morning, i decided to repeat yesterday's magic.
i even drove into work earlier so i could see a different landscape,
bathed with shadows & a deep-orange light from the rising sun.
i don't recall if i had the radio on the entire time,
but the songs that did play lifted my heart & energized me for the long day ahead.

sure, auto-pilot is helpful in some situations.
i'm not debating adaptational psychology here.
but today i'm keeping mine off so i don't miss a thing.

day #4: update

bob has climbed aboard my attempt to mix it up, and we went on our own adventure tonight.

in the 4+ years we've been together, i'm not sure we've ever "gone out for a drink".

tonight, we took a break from our schedules,

claimed a happy hour,

& descended on sidebar.

we sat on a couch in a dimly lit upstairs bar with no more than 10 other people,

an old kung-fu movie playing on various flat-screens around us.

we sipped wine & brainstormed on upcoming projects,

much like we had when we were dating.

we flirted like we weren't married.

married passion in its most basic form.

the other night, we privately "renewed our vows" by simply promising all the things we hadn't known to promise at our wedding.

it was an amazingly emotional, unplanned moment.

it rejuvenated our partnership, and it didn't cost a penny.

and tonight's happy hour, food & all, cost us $14 (plus tip).

it just goes to show us that spouses can make cheap dates & awesome passion-igniting partners.

day #3 & #4

yesterday, we visited our friends' church, poiema, one much closer to us than the one we've been attending in north phoenix.

it was odd doing this, as we've been going to PVCC since we moved here, and we've made some great friends there.

still, we were interested in checking out poiema & meeting some new people.

and for those of us who know genesis, our church back in royal oak, you'd know how at home we felt when we found out the following:

poiema is currently a bohemian church.

it was meeting in an elementary school that raised its rent,

so it moved onto another building that ended up having exposed asbestos,

and so it ended up yesterday in the basement/senior center of a generous (& humongous) phoenix church.

it was incredible to be there, people milling about outside & making new friends before the senior citizens let us into the building,

the energy of the unexpected,

the sounds of the latino church singing & praising in the space above us.

we stepped out of our comfort zone all morning & met people active in the arts, technology, & social justice concerns around phoenix.

and the pastor reminded us all that the Church isn't a building but rather community & relationships.

how beautiful to be part of this inconvenience!

and so this morning i am expressing gratitude for a roaming church that welcomed us in without hesitation,

for relationships that are real & for the fact that we are all moving forward!

day #2

it's not so much that i was craving tea.

often my cravings force me into a no-nonsense beeline, and, since this was more of a leisurely sunday drive on a friday afternoon, all signs point to no craving.

no, what i was after was more the process than the result. so i embarked on a mini-adventure up the 51, next to the mountains that pop up & appear to swallow cars at shea, heading toward the artsy pedestrian bridges south of greenway. my moonroof was open as the sun warmed my shoulders, and i don't recall what i was listening to on the radio.

i was the only one in the parking lot at my favorite tea place, white august, and the tattooed woman who helped me select a white dessert tea called "ciao bella" didn't mind a customer to interrupt the non-busyness of the day. we chatted as my leaves steeped, and then i departed again, no real plan in mind.

and as i rounded the bend & saw a hazy downtown on the horizon framed by south mountain, i was grateful for this reset. passion came not in the accumulation but in the absorption.

one hour rejuvenated me for one week. now that's an equation i can embrace.

first morning

i awoke today refreshed & excited to get started on the next 52 weeks.

first question to myself:

"how can i be more passionate today?"

and i found this is harder to answer than i thought.

great idea, frustratingly nebulous execution.

so i'm trying something i don't usually do, just to stir things up.

i'm listing 5 things i'm grateful for this morning.

1. sunshine, bright & warm with a promise of high 60-degree temps today. i missed out on this for the first 3 decades of my life; i won't take it for granted.

2. mountains that interrupt the horizon & display drastic textures that mess with the resulting shadows.

3. colors that clash & blend & harmonize.

4. the potential of the next 24 hours. with no school & no work on my schedule, i can make this day whatever i want.

5. hugs from 1 husband & 2 cats. and i won't complain about the cat hair today.

i'm already feeling more energized.

good morning, 2010.