day #41

it's a birthday party!

i've been tied up with work, school, & a sick cat,

and today is bob's birthday.

but i've managed to make time & create space to embrace this special day.

birthdays are an interesting phenomenon.

they're a celebration of life & the uniqueness of each person,

but they can also be times of stress & the unpleasantry of unmet expectations.

today, i'm going easy on myself & bob so we can truly enjoy his day.

this year, passion is about celebrating the celebrations,

not freaking out & worrying over them.

after all, it's the improvised moments that mean the most in the end.

days #10 & #11

i'm working on a list of passion-blockers.

as i write each one down, i feel a twinge of guilt at how i've let it get to me in the past.

fatigue

denial of ability/passion

fear

resistance

others' reactions

unrealistic standards

distraction

formalization

and so on...

my internal conflict comes from my belief that Jesus,

in all His wisdom & love,

has given us all unique passion in each of our lives.

however, we busy ourselves & bury the passion,

missing a key & pivotal opportunity in our lives to experience that personal gift!

as i look over this emerging list of passion-blockers, my guilt is that i've let these take over when i could be letting passion into the mix.

but it doesn't have to end there.

guilt motivates; shame incapacitates.

i won't let this turn to shame.

i'll let the guilt motivate me to bust down some of those passion-blockers.

the best antidote to passion-blockers is action.

simply making movement rather than letting them paralyze reduces much of their power.

today, when a passion-blocker shows up on the scene,

i'm starting a lively argument against it & taking action.

it's better than sitting still & feeling guilty forever.

Introducing: PASH10

what is PASH10?

i realized that, while i'm good at setting goals -- and, often, at meeting them -- i haven't demonstrated a proficiency in thematic goals. it seems many of my goals are short-sighted & don't adhere to a greater strategy.

this year, i named a theme of what i would like to develop in my life over the coming 365 days.

that theme is passion.

passion in my marriage, my faith, my relationships, my interests, my work, my studies, my interactions, and just the way i live my life overall.

a note on my habit history: as great as a concept something may be & as sincere as i am in my planning, i easily get distracted & realize several months later that i had committed to something which i have not done.

so i came up with a way i could remember this theme.

PASH10 stands for the following:

Peaceful

And

Stirred-up

Hope

2010

how do i define "passion"?

passion is often confused with insanity or overzealousness. but passion is child-like, not childish. true passion is focused energy, intense movement, contagious and inclusive creativity. it expands beyond its original intentions, and it ignites other blazes along the way. it is not destructive, except that it tears down walls, messes with stagnant traditions, digs up ruts, and breaks unnecessary rules.

when released, passion cannot be deconstructed or contained. it burns within all of us, but many of us have grown apathetic or disillusioned to its presence.

why PASH10?

i confess i am one of the apathetic people. i live life & love life, but i find myself hypnotized by the allure of comfort, convenience, and security. if someone were to ask me what makes me excited, i'm not sure i could give a consistent, honest answer.

this year is about discovering that answer & putting it into practice for the rest of my life. i'm setting mini-goals & self-dares to get myself unstuck & invigorated.

and i'm pretty terrified. you know, in that can't-wait-but-not-sure-what-i'm-getting-myself-into kind of way.

what do cottonwood blessings have to do with PASH10?

cottonwood blessings address both the "Peaceful" & the "Stirred-up" in the title. cottonwood came to me as a peaceful reassurance, a grounded & stabilizing encouragement of God's goodness & grace. and it came on stirred-up wind, movement that flowed & changed directions, inviting me to join with it. and "Hope" is the motivation, the goal, & the message.

in essence, then, cottonwood blessings are a complete physical demonstration of PASH10.

so, what's to come?

the blog entries that will follow throughout 2010 will be about my adventures in developing passion. it's an accountability thing, as well as a log of what i've gone through to live life in a more real way.

here's to an uncomfortable, inconvenient, insecure new year!