Truth ought to come with this disclaimer:
"This will not fit right at first. You may find your reality shifting, and all you trusted slipping through your fingers. That is okay. Just press onward and rest in the uncertainty."
I'm writing this because no one gave me that disclaimer. I'm writing this for the people who have started asking big questions or who are seeing things they didn't used to, who are finding they aren't who they used to be and think they might just be going crazy.
You are on the right path.
It takes courage to explore beyond what you have always known, and becoming aware of how immense suffering is, how blind we are, how ineffable God is - it can all be overwhelming.
Disorienting.
You may feel like you've come untethered, and that those you used to feel close to are unable to relate with you now.
This is not the end, my friend.
And that may sound like a warning, but it is truly meant as a comfort. This is how and where it all starts. But it means letting go of attachments that you once held dear. It means holding your hands open so that the Spirit can fill them with new treasure. It means taking new shape so you can venture where you never could have gone before.
One of the greatest disservices my Christian upbringing did for me was to tell me that my spiritual development was linear and could be categorized, quantified, with a finite goal that could be summed up as "Going to church, reading the Bible, and sharing my faith."
But I've discovered that is not the case. These are only parts of the journey, not the destination. The destination is the arms of my Savior in a dance of sweet surrender and intimacy, and there is great mystery in the whole process that can't be measured. When I stopped having words in my prayers and started having heart conversations that transcended sentences, it was frightening because it hadn't been explained to me as part of the relationship.
But it is.
It goes beyond the structure and out into the mystical. That area is indescribable and confusing, so it often gets skipped over.
To many thirsty souls' detriment.
If you're finding yourself adrift in a space of deconstruction, know that God is in that. It is written into your adventure; it's not separate from it. This is a place where you wait and receive, where you let your soul sigh or sing, putting pause to all striving. Just rest in it, and find safe people who will listen with you and not judge you in your development.
I've spoken of the science behind a butterfly's metamorphosis before, but I need to share it again in this context.
The caterpillar doesn't go into the chrysalis to get wings taped on. It becomes goo, completely dismantled and melted so that it is unrecognizable. But only then can it become a new creature with new abilities and a new destination. It has no desire for caterpillar things, and it cannot return to them anyway. That may be a scary thought, but the goo time is a great place to let go of comfort zones. The butterfly has other responsibilities it must attend to - that it wants to attend to.
My gooey friends and butterflies in process, you are on your way. It doesn't look like it, but change is occurring. And when you arrive in truth, you will likely find that the old life no longer fits. But you'll be more you than ever before, the you that you were created to be.
Maybe I should add that to the disclaimer.
