day #43

been reading through 1 thessalonians, & skipping over parts.

this is amusing to me, as the book is only 4 pages long in the message bible.

however, i found i couldn't relate with some elements & moved on.

and then i took a moment this morning to ask myself:

why can't i relate?

what are those elements?

the answer was this:

i couldn't relate with the intensity of love that paul expressed toward the thessalonians.

he genuinely loved them.

an intense philos love.

and that doesn't compute for me.

to me, philos love is a just nice, pleasant thing.

i'm unfamiliar with it having the passion of eros.

to hear it expressed to that level seems fraudulent, insincere.

but as i've gone back & read it over, it's completely sincere.

paul really liked these people!

so my passion paradigms are shifting a smidge this morning:

aching passion can be expressed in friendship & platonic appreciation.

that doesn't jive with me quite yet, but i'm open to examples.

today, i'm questioning the boundaries & limits i've placed on these relationships in my life.

day #41

it's a birthday party!

i've been tied up with work, school, & a sick cat,

and today is bob's birthday.

but i've managed to make time & create space to embrace this special day.

birthdays are an interesting phenomenon.

they're a celebration of life & the uniqueness of each person,

but they can also be times of stress & the unpleasantry of unmet expectations.

today, i'm going easy on myself & bob so we can truly enjoy his day.

this year, passion is about celebrating the celebrations,

not freaking out & worrying over them.

after all, it's the improvised moments that mean the most in the end.

days #31-39

it's been a long, hard week.

lots of driving & busyness,

mixed with trying to settle emotions stirred up by all the activity.

i don't tend to be an extremely emotional person,

so enduring emotional upheaval is a true test of patience for me.

but this unsettlement within me allowed me a window into something i rarely examine:

i was able to tune into how i feel about events, behaviors, etc.

typically, i'd make a quick decision about the situation & move on,

but being in this emotional place gave me an entirely different vantage point.

for example,

things that annoy me usually just get ignored by me,

but by checking into the feelings being triggered i could understand why i was annoyed.

my body was trying to give me messages to help me.

so this past week i learned to be a better listener to myself.

by working to know my feelings,

i can take on a new p.o.v. to open myself up to new possibilities.

i mean, what's passion without some emotion?

days #26-#30

this week has been busy & full of life lessons.

i've traveled to & from tucson (soon to be to & from again),

assisted bob in editing our film to submit to a film festival,

attempted to actually get some work done at the office,

and engaged in a work activity that involved downtown PHX & the light rail.

that last one is what i want to really examine right now.

the concept of this event was a photo collage of an adventure with coworkers.

the purpose of it was to get us out of the office & learning about each other.

but that doesn't mean i wasn't partially dreading it.

my comfort zone is somewhat nebulous, but there is a key trait:

i act alone.

pushing my boundaries is a lot easier when i don't have someone there pushing them with me.

and this event forced me to push my boundaries with 5 people i barely know in a teamwork event.

can i tell you a secret?

it was great.

in my cynical college-student days,

i would've referred to this as mandated fun.

that day, though, i actually got it.

riding on the light rail, racing from museum to library,

i felt like i was expanding.

(it was probably just my comfort zone that was shape-shifting, but i could feel myself going along with it.)

passion is messy, and it must not be assigned parameters.

when i sit in a comfort zone of my own design with fences to keep me inside,

i miss out on the energy right outside it.

if i keep on doing what i've done before,

i'll just keep creating what i've created before.

that's boring.

God created us as relational beings,

and we need more than just ourselves to make real magic happen in this world.

so i now have 5 more people in my life, 5 more sources of creativity & magic.

days #22-#25

i've been off the grid, indulging a growing passion:

bob, a team of PHX creatives, & i made a full microshort this weekend.

we've been making films together since we met:

he directs, i write, & we make magic happen.

it's tough working so closely & intensely sometimes,

and we've learned a lot about teamwork through it all.

i guess my passion for making films goes hand-in-hand with my passion for my marriage.

i see them as linked, since they have been since day 1.

i mean, we met because of a video camera!

(for that story, here is the article.)

my trouble is that i can be extremely passionate,

and when something goes awry i don't know how else to react but to smother my flame.

it's like i'm saying,

"if this isn't going to go my way, i'll just pretend i don't care at all."

self-sabotage.

neither films nor good marriages get made that way.

this year, passion means keeping the flame alive even when the wind blows,

the oxygen is all but gone,

and all i want to do is snuff out the wick.

it means fanning the flame & believing that a fire can result.

day #21

today is my mom's birthday.

she's 29 & holding.

if there is anyone in this world who exhibits obvious passion in her life,

it's my mom.

mom loves teaching, as well as the kids in her class.

when i call her to catch up, i am always an audience to her stories of their successes or tragedies --

but most often their successes, since she believes so much in them.

(she does hurt when they hurt, too, and she shares this pain openly.)

passion for life, her family, and her faith drives my mom.

people love being around her because she exudes energy & positivity.

i am grateful to have such direct access to a real-life role model.

if you read this, mom, happy birthday.

days #19 & #20

my senses go into overload a lot.

sometimes i get mentally overwhelmed,

and other times i just automatically block out some of the stimuli.

default attention-selection.

today as i walked in the brisk air to the mailbox, i decided to close my eyes.

shutting down that one sense ignited the others!

i felt the subtle breeze & smelled a pre-rain odor.

my tastebuds recalled the soy chai i had earlier.

i heard neighborhood life.

and all because i limited the input.

mind you, the scenery was fantastic.

a pastel-blending sunset framing the mountains.

there was nothing i wanted to avoid,

except for overstimulation.

for me, passion is about mindfulness, being alive from second to second.

but i get distracted, especially when life is happening.

you know, like all the time.

so today i'm taking time to shut down senses,

focusing on the sensations that remain.

days #15-#18

three-day weekends throw me for a loop.

when i was younger, a day off meant VACATION!

now, it means having more time for organizing, errand-running, & homework.

my to-do list for today looks nothing like a passion-igniter.

but yesterday's message at our church certainly was.

after talking about how our small expectations can get in the way of God actually creating something awesome --

or, at least, get in the way of us appreciating it

-- pastor john challenged us to consider some questions during reflection time.

the last one was the one that got me:

what "small" dream do you need to kill off to make way for the big plans God has for you?

ouch.

i am notorious for planning first, then asking God what He thinks later.

and my dreams are often selfish.

so to be faced with a question asking what artery-clogging agent i am clinging to that is keeping the blood flowing to the right places...

well, needless to say i had an unexpected, uncomfortable about-face right then & there.

it's contradictory to say,

"i believe God has the best in mind for me,"

then go make my own plans & get angry at Him when He intervenes.

and my passion is squelched when i take it all into my own hands.

so i used the reflection time to do some serious open heart surgery.

i want those arteries cleaned out so my heart pumps clearly & in rhythm with Daddy's song for my life.

today, amongst the errand-running & such,

i'm making time to offer up dreams for the killing.

i know if He takes one, He'll replace it with something better.

He always has & always will.

and He is where true passion starts.

days #13 & #14

learning to simplify.

it's hard to experience passion when i'm pulled in numerous directions.

i might mistake the ache of excitement for just an ache of overload --

if i feel the ache at all.

throughout the past several years, i've been learning about setting boundaries.

this includes knowing my limits & respecting them,

while also pushing those that have growth potential.

this requires some interesting conditional formatting in my life's excel table.

IF stretching in this area leads to simplification & joy,

THEN seek stretching opportunities.

IF stretching in this area leads to burnout & misery,

THEN set a boundary to honor known limits.

so as i'm simplifying, i'm reviewing some of my established boundaries.

for example, i'm currently working full-time & going to school full-time.

i'm also involved in making films with bob, writing articles for publication, maintaining this blog & my comic blog, attending church, networking socially/professionally, & other activities.

my time can only be divided so many ways, though,

so i'm evaluating ways to better simplify my activities so i can create room for passion.

bob, on the other hand, simplifies by removing clutter.

he feels open to creativity when his stuff if physically organized & stored away.

it's interesting all the preparations we need to make to welcome flow.

perhaps a dose of preventative medicine would be helpful next time...

what are some ways you've simplified your life?

leave a comment, or email me: jessica @ sailbear.net

day #12

i decided to inconvenience myself today.

being someone who arranges grocery bags so everything can get carried in on one trip,

plots out maps so all errands can be run in one linear course,

and arranges my schedule to make room for surprises,

i don't allow space for inconvenience.

so i suppose i was due some.

the call came as i prepared to tackle a new data analysis project:

i was needed to assist with proctoring an exam.

this had not been in my schedule, and so i thought about my options:

being that this was an inconvenience for me, perhaps we should find a time when it would be more convenient &, therefore, comfortable.

but then i remembered why i do this job.

it's not about my sense of security;

it's about helping young people discover their passion.

why would i squash that because i had my own to-do list?

so i chose to be inconvenienced,

gathering all my items with me to take to the exam room.

(i wouldn't want to have to make a second trip because i forgot something.)

the student & i sat down,

she with her exam,

i without enough space to work on my project while waiting for her.

and i was uncharacteristically grateful for that,

because i would not have planned it that way.

when she finished, she smiled & thanked me several times.

i sincerely told her it was my pleasure.

i remembered my passion for my job today.

it came from getting out of my routine & actually looking at why i was there.