days #26-#30

this week has been busy & full of life lessons.

i've traveled to & from tucson (soon to be to & from again),

assisted bob in editing our film to submit to a film festival,

attempted to actually get some work done at the office,

and engaged in a work activity that involved downtown PHX & the light rail.

that last one is what i want to really examine right now.

the concept of this event was a photo collage of an adventure with coworkers.

the purpose of it was to get us out of the office & learning about each other.

but that doesn't mean i wasn't partially dreading it.

my comfort zone is somewhat nebulous, but there is a key trait:

i act alone.

pushing my boundaries is a lot easier when i don't have someone there pushing them with me.

and this event forced me to push my boundaries with 5 people i barely know in a teamwork event.

can i tell you a secret?

it was great.

in my cynical college-student days,

i would've referred to this as mandated fun.

that day, though, i actually got it.

riding on the light rail, racing from museum to library,

i felt like i was expanding.

(it was probably just my comfort zone that was shape-shifting, but i could feel myself going along with it.)

passion is messy, and it must not be assigned parameters.

when i sit in a comfort zone of my own design with fences to keep me inside,

i miss out on the energy right outside it.

if i keep on doing what i've done before,

i'll just keep creating what i've created before.

that's boring.

God created us as relational beings,

and we need more than just ourselves to make real magic happen in this world.

so i now have 5 more people in my life, 5 more sources of creativity & magic.

days #15-#18

three-day weekends throw me for a loop.

when i was younger, a day off meant VACATION!

now, it means having more time for organizing, errand-running, & homework.

my to-do list for today looks nothing like a passion-igniter.

but yesterday's message at our church certainly was.

after talking about how our small expectations can get in the way of God actually creating something awesome --

or, at least, get in the way of us appreciating it

-- pastor john challenged us to consider some questions during reflection time.

the last one was the one that got me:

what "small" dream do you need to kill off to make way for the big plans God has for you?

ouch.

i am notorious for planning first, then asking God what He thinks later.

and my dreams are often selfish.

so to be faced with a question asking what artery-clogging agent i am clinging to that is keeping the blood flowing to the right places...

well, needless to say i had an unexpected, uncomfortable about-face right then & there.

it's contradictory to say,

"i believe God has the best in mind for me,"

then go make my own plans & get angry at Him when He intervenes.

and my passion is squelched when i take it all into my own hands.

so i used the reflection time to do some serious open heart surgery.

i want those arteries cleaned out so my heart pumps clearly & in rhythm with Daddy's song for my life.

today, amongst the errand-running & such,

i'm making time to offer up dreams for the killing.

i know if He takes one, He'll replace it with something better.

He always has & always will.

and He is where true passion starts.

day #9: a new face

i just wanted to buy some mascara.

i had researched it for months in relation to my preferred mascara brand of several years,

the green clinique tube i've perpetually used beyond the recommended 4 months.

and as i sat in the chair receiving my impromptu 15-minute makeover,

i thought how comparatively impulsive it was for me to agree to this.

the artist, a friendly woman named debbie, worked quickly as she informed me about the various products coating my face & eyes.

she insisted my skin was dry & required "hydration".

"hydration" apparently feels like lacquer.

now don't get me wrong:

i love makeup.

i have a kaboodle kit --

yes, i still own one

-- filled with various eyeshadows, lipsticks, & eyeliners that i employee throughout the week.

i've been wearing an evolving regimen of products since i was 12.

and i've settled on the fact that i am a lips & eye girl.

but even those are in moderation.

so when i peeked in the mirror after the final coat of mascara was applied,

i was shocked at the array of colors that greeted me.

after the initial befuddlement that impaired my response system,

i was able to stammer that it was "fun."

after some careful blending & strategic product removal,

i could confess i kinda liked it.

you know, in that way that accepts a new situation but offers no personal commitment to it.

debbie was pleased with her creation, having admittedly gotten carried away during the process due to me practicing a yes-and mentality.

D: "i'm going to do two types of mascara, jessica."

J: "yes, and why not make it extra thick!"

i drove away with my new mascara & nothing more,

save the free products that were thrown in for being a first-time customer

(&, i like to believe, a good sport).

at each stoplight, i chipped a few more layers off the spider-web eyelashes on my left eye,

the length of which,

due to the length-enhancing serum within that one type of mascara,

bore a striking resemblance to falsies.

my glossified lips formed into a smile at how i'd embraced an opportunity atypical to me:

i met a new person & tried on a new face, all in the course of a fraction of an hour.

passion this year is about trying new things & experiencing the consequences,

rather than fearing those consequences and missing out.

the cost of a tube of mascara was worth that lesson this afternoon.

day #4: update

bob has climbed aboard my attempt to mix it up, and we went on our own adventure tonight.

in the 4+ years we've been together, i'm not sure we've ever "gone out for a drink".

tonight, we took a break from our schedules,

claimed a happy hour,

& descended on sidebar.

we sat on a couch in a dimly lit upstairs bar with no more than 10 other people,

an old kung-fu movie playing on various flat-screens around us.

we sipped wine & brainstormed on upcoming projects,

much like we had when we were dating.

we flirted like we weren't married.

married passion in its most basic form.

the other night, we privately "renewed our vows" by simply promising all the things we hadn't known to promise at our wedding.

it was an amazingly emotional, unplanned moment.

it rejuvenated our partnership, and it didn't cost a penny.

and tonight's happy hour, food & all, cost us $14 (plus tip).

it just goes to show us that spouses can make cheap dates & awesome passion-igniting partners.