Too Close to Define

You know that experience when you're so close to something you can't really say anything about it? When it's feels like you're trying to build something and discover you're using water instead of packing snow? When you're afraid a remark about it would only touch part and miss the whole?

I remember someone joking that if you need the definition of "psychology", you should [counterintuitively] ask the first-semester psych major, not the PhD clinician.

That is where I am right now: Too close to define.

I'm in the process of putting together an event called CAST (Coming Alive, Scheming Together) for women in the metro Phoenix area who are passionate for Christ. A friend asked who my demographic would be, and I couldn't come up with much more than, "Any woman who loves Jesus and is open to the movement of the Spirit."

Queue eye roll.

I admit it's vague, as are many of the goals attached to it. Every time I've tried to come up with measurable outcomes for CAST, it seems as if some cosmic gameboard shifts and the rules invert. For this strategic-planner, that is unacceptable. I like mission statements, I like five-year plans, and I like knowing what I'm asking people to sign up for.

This has been a humbling time of challenge for me, to say the least.

And yet I know it has been a project our loving Daddy has gifted to me, and I have no doubt He has his own plans for it, even if they won't fit in a binder with tabs and timelines.

Even though I'm way too close to it, I'm going to attempt to describe here what He put in my heart a few months ago. CAST is meant to be an event where multiple women present (speak, sing, or perform) on a common theme during the first hour, and in the second hour the participants meet with the presenters and each other to pray, discuss, and dream together how to use their own passions and gifts to take action. It's what we as women do all the time, but don't often have the encouragement to follow through on it. It's an opportunity to come alive, to exit our isolation and enter connection, to engage in conversations on social justice and the global church and personal growth and serving and leading and the heart of our Lord, to be transformed and then do some transforming to expand the Kingdom.

Because we as women are powerful when we join together. Our Daddy knows this. He longs for us to be the healers, the dreamers, the activists, the advocates, the creators, the defenders, the warriors He designed us to be, and to have each others' backs as sisters.

As my planning team - yes, team! He has taught me to bring on a team, not just do it myself, which is so appropriate for this event about joining together - encountered yet another obstacle to birthing this creation, I spent an evening poring over scripture. I was feeling discouraged after yet another major plot twist in our saga, and I needed to know He would be faithful. And then He allowed me to stumble across this:

~So here’s what I want you to do. When you gather for worship, each one of you be prepared with something that will be useful for all: Sing a hymn, teach a lesson, tell a story, lead a prayer, provide an insight... And no more than two or three speakers at a meeting, with the rest of you listening and taking it to heart. Take your turn, no one person taking over. Then each speaker gets a chance to say something special from God, and you all learn from each other. If you choose to speak, you’re also responsible for how and when you speak. When we worship the right way, God doesn’t stir us up into confusion; he brings us into harmony. This goes for all the churches—no exceptions.~
1 Corinthians 14:26, 29-33 (MSG)

Right. Between. The. Eyes.

To have this level of specificity without having encountered this passage anytime recently - that's the way the Spirit works, my friends! I'm still awestruck with a few lingering goosebumps.

So we press forward in faith and newfound obedience.

I find it a magnificent "coincidence" that my fast for Lent was from relying on my own resources, because there have been many times when I was so tempted to activate my superpowers to solve our problems. Of course, it wouldn't have worked anyway, but the decision to preemptively step aside and fully rely on Him and on others has taught me new discipline, trust, and interdependency.

As a result, when this is a success (by His standards, not mine), all the glory will be His. And that puts my parameter-craving psyche to rest.

days #26-#30

this week has been busy & full of life lessons.

i've traveled to & from tucson (soon to be to & from again),

assisted bob in editing our film to submit to a film festival,

attempted to actually get some work done at the office,

and engaged in a work activity that involved downtown PHX & the light rail.

that last one is what i want to really examine right now.

the concept of this event was a photo collage of an adventure with coworkers.

the purpose of it was to get us out of the office & learning about each other.

but that doesn't mean i wasn't partially dreading it.

my comfort zone is somewhat nebulous, but there is a key trait:

i act alone.

pushing my boundaries is a lot easier when i don't have someone there pushing them with me.

and this event forced me to push my boundaries with 5 people i barely know in a teamwork event.

can i tell you a secret?

it was great.

in my cynical college-student days,

i would've referred to this as mandated fun.

that day, though, i actually got it.

riding on the light rail, racing from museum to library,

i felt like i was expanding.

(it was probably just my comfort zone that was shape-shifting, but i could feel myself going along with it.)

passion is messy, and it must not be assigned parameters.

when i sit in a comfort zone of my own design with fences to keep me inside,

i miss out on the energy right outside it.

if i keep on doing what i've done before,

i'll just keep creating what i've created before.

that's boring.

God created us as relational beings,

and we need more than just ourselves to make real magic happen in this world.

so i now have 5 more people in my life, 5 more sources of creativity & magic.

day #7

we ripped 3 links off the blue paper chain hanging in our bedroom this morning.
the chain represents our debt, each link being $1,000.

there was a time in my life when spending $1,000 was an absurd thought.
however, i came into this marriage with

$7,000 of debt that i owed on my car
+ $5,000 remaining on my school loan.
____________________________
$12,000 in the hole.

add that to what bob had being a homeowner with a mortgage,
and our chain was too long for us not to notice it.

since day 1 of our marriage, we've been working to rip off those paper links.
there is a growing stack of blue construction-paper strips on our shelf,
and we're salivating for the finish line.
(i know, it's a weird metaphor.)

passion this year means not allowing someone else to control our finances &, consequently, our lives.

being free of debt will allow us to
"live like no one else,"
to borrow dave ramsey's quote.

our goal is to be out of this money vacuum by bob's birthday next month.
with "gazelle-like intensity" (another dave-ism), we're zeroing in on that target.
will those remaining 7 links dissolve in the next 34 days?
stay tuned...

~don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other.~
romans 13:8

day #3 & #4

yesterday, we visited our friends' church, poiema, one much closer to us than the one we've been attending in north phoenix.

it was odd doing this, as we've been going to PVCC since we moved here, and we've made some great friends there.

still, we were interested in checking out poiema & meeting some new people.

and for those of us who know genesis, our church back in royal oak, you'd know how at home we felt when we found out the following:

poiema is currently a bohemian church.

it was meeting in an elementary school that raised its rent,

so it moved onto another building that ended up having exposed asbestos,

and so it ended up yesterday in the basement/senior center of a generous (& humongous) phoenix church.

it was incredible to be there, people milling about outside & making new friends before the senior citizens let us into the building,

the energy of the unexpected,

the sounds of the latino church singing & praising in the space above us.

we stepped out of our comfort zone all morning & met people active in the arts, technology, & social justice concerns around phoenix.

and the pastor reminded us all that the Church isn't a building but rather community & relationships.

how beautiful to be part of this inconvenience!

and so this morning i am expressing gratitude for a roaming church that welcomed us in without hesitation,

for relationships that are real & for the fact that we are all moving forward!