days #10 & #11

i'm working on a list of passion-blockers.

as i write each one down, i feel a twinge of guilt at how i've let it get to me in the past.

fatigue

denial of ability/passion

fear

resistance

others' reactions

unrealistic standards

distraction

formalization

and so on...

my internal conflict comes from my belief that Jesus,

in all His wisdom & love,

has given us all unique passion in each of our lives.

however, we busy ourselves & bury the passion,

missing a key & pivotal opportunity in our lives to experience that personal gift!

as i look over this emerging list of passion-blockers, my guilt is that i've let these take over when i could be letting passion into the mix.

but it doesn't have to end there.

guilt motivates; shame incapacitates.

i won't let this turn to shame.

i'll let the guilt motivate me to bust down some of those passion-blockers.

the best antidote to passion-blockers is action.

simply making movement rather than letting them paralyze reduces much of their power.

today, when a passion-blocker shows up on the scene,

i'm starting a lively argument against it & taking action.

it's better than sitting still & feeling guilty forever.

day #9: a new face

i just wanted to buy some mascara.

i had researched it for months in relation to my preferred mascara brand of several years,

the green clinique tube i've perpetually used beyond the recommended 4 months.

and as i sat in the chair receiving my impromptu 15-minute makeover,

i thought how comparatively impulsive it was for me to agree to this.

the artist, a friendly woman named debbie, worked quickly as she informed me about the various products coating my face & eyes.

she insisted my skin was dry & required "hydration".

"hydration" apparently feels like lacquer.

now don't get me wrong:

i love makeup.

i have a kaboodle kit --

yes, i still own one

-- filled with various eyeshadows, lipsticks, & eyeliners that i employee throughout the week.

i've been wearing an evolving regimen of products since i was 12.

and i've settled on the fact that i am a lips & eye girl.

but even those are in moderation.

so when i peeked in the mirror after the final coat of mascara was applied,

i was shocked at the array of colors that greeted me.

after the initial befuddlement that impaired my response system,

i was able to stammer that it was "fun."

after some careful blending & strategic product removal,

i could confess i kinda liked it.

you know, in that way that accepts a new situation but offers no personal commitment to it.

debbie was pleased with her creation, having admittedly gotten carried away during the process due to me practicing a yes-and mentality.

D: "i'm going to do two types of mascara, jessica."

J: "yes, and why not make it extra thick!"

i drove away with my new mascara & nothing more,

save the free products that were thrown in for being a first-time customer

(&, i like to believe, a good sport).

at each stoplight, i chipped a few more layers off the spider-web eyelashes on my left eye,

the length of which,

due to the length-enhancing serum within that one type of mascara,

bore a striking resemblance to falsies.

my glossified lips formed into a smile at how i'd embraced an opportunity atypical to me:

i met a new person & tried on a new face, all in the course of a fraction of an hour.

passion this year is about trying new things & experiencing the consequences,

rather than fearing those consequences and missing out.

the cost of a tube of mascara was worth that lesson this afternoon.

day #8: disconnect to connect

i like this concept a lot:

"connecting by disconnecting".

i've also been recently made aware of a multi-tasking fast:

doing only one thing at a time.

mono-tasking.

while i don't struggle with a crackberry addiction or a need to drown my thoughts with the radio,

i do find myself wasting time being too "plugged in".

i'm not certain i could or should unplug completely in today's culture,

but this article has challenged me to cut back.

i realized how much i needed to as i watched TV last night while

• emailing
• working on a book proposal
• writing an article
• texting

eliminating one of those things would increase the quality of all the others.

i think i'll consider attempting the unplugging endeavor or the mono-tasking challenge.

or at least a modified variation of one.

day #7

we ripped 3 links off the blue paper chain hanging in our bedroom this morning.
the chain represents our debt, each link being $1,000.

there was a time in my life when spending $1,000 was an absurd thought.
however, i came into this marriage with

$7,000 of debt that i owed on my car
+ $5,000 remaining on my school loan.
____________________________
$12,000 in the hole.

add that to what bob had being a homeowner with a mortgage,
and our chain was too long for us not to notice it.

since day 1 of our marriage, we've been working to rip off those paper links.
there is a growing stack of blue construction-paper strips on our shelf,
and we're salivating for the finish line.
(i know, it's a weird metaphor.)

passion this year means not allowing someone else to control our finances &, consequently, our lives.

being free of debt will allow us to
"live like no one else,"
to borrow dave ramsey's quote.

our goal is to be out of this money vacuum by bob's birthday next month.
with "gazelle-like intensity" (another dave-ism), we're zeroing in on that target.
will those remaining 7 links dissolve in the next 34 days?
stay tuned...

~don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other.~
romans 13:8

day #5 & #6

much of my thinking takes place in the car.
i can already predict that --
should a pie chart be made of the topics this blog discusses this year
-- a mention of car drives will be a sizable & tasty slice.

as i drove to work yesterday, i found myself really listening to the lyrics on KLove.
i saw drivers & landscape around me.
colors were vibrant & organic.

in other words, i turned off the auto-pilot.

what fun to be engaged in the everyday moments!

i recall hearing eleanor josaitis, co-founder of focus: hope, speak once.
she remarked that she never took the same way to work.
now that is an adventure-seeker!
that is someone who is purposely keeping the auto-pilot off.

this morning, i decided to repeat yesterday's magic.
i even drove into work earlier so i could see a different landscape,
bathed with shadows & a deep-orange light from the rising sun.
i don't recall if i had the radio on the entire time,
but the songs that did play lifted my heart & energized me for the long day ahead.

sure, auto-pilot is helpful in some situations.
i'm not debating adaptational psychology here.
but today i'm keeping mine off so i don't miss a thing.

day #4: update

bob has climbed aboard my attempt to mix it up, and we went on our own adventure tonight.

in the 4+ years we've been together, i'm not sure we've ever "gone out for a drink".

tonight, we took a break from our schedules,

claimed a happy hour,

& descended on sidebar.

we sat on a couch in a dimly lit upstairs bar with no more than 10 other people,

an old kung-fu movie playing on various flat-screens around us.

we sipped wine & brainstormed on upcoming projects,

much like we had when we were dating.

we flirted like we weren't married.

married passion in its most basic form.

the other night, we privately "renewed our vows" by simply promising all the things we hadn't known to promise at our wedding.

it was an amazingly emotional, unplanned moment.

it rejuvenated our partnership, and it didn't cost a penny.

and tonight's happy hour, food & all, cost us $14 (plus tip).

it just goes to show us that spouses can make cheap dates & awesome passion-igniting partners.

day #3 & #4

yesterday, we visited our friends' church, poiema, one much closer to us than the one we've been attending in north phoenix.

it was odd doing this, as we've been going to PVCC since we moved here, and we've made some great friends there.

still, we were interested in checking out poiema & meeting some new people.

and for those of us who know genesis, our church back in royal oak, you'd know how at home we felt when we found out the following:

poiema is currently a bohemian church.

it was meeting in an elementary school that raised its rent,

so it moved onto another building that ended up having exposed asbestos,

and so it ended up yesterday in the basement/senior center of a generous (& humongous) phoenix church.

it was incredible to be there, people milling about outside & making new friends before the senior citizens let us into the building,

the energy of the unexpected,

the sounds of the latino church singing & praising in the space above us.

we stepped out of our comfort zone all morning & met people active in the arts, technology, & social justice concerns around phoenix.

and the pastor reminded us all that the Church isn't a building but rather community & relationships.

how beautiful to be part of this inconvenience!

and so this morning i am expressing gratitude for a roaming church that welcomed us in without hesitation,

for relationships that are real & for the fact that we are all moving forward!

day #2

it's not so much that i was craving tea.

often my cravings force me into a no-nonsense beeline, and, since this was more of a leisurely sunday drive on a friday afternoon, all signs point to no craving.

no, what i was after was more the process than the result. so i embarked on a mini-adventure up the 51, next to the mountains that pop up & appear to swallow cars at shea, heading toward the artsy pedestrian bridges south of greenway. my moonroof was open as the sun warmed my shoulders, and i don't recall what i was listening to on the radio.

i was the only one in the parking lot at my favorite tea place, white august, and the tattooed woman who helped me select a white dessert tea called "ciao bella" didn't mind a customer to interrupt the non-busyness of the day. we chatted as my leaves steeped, and then i departed again, no real plan in mind.

and as i rounded the bend & saw a hazy downtown on the horizon framed by south mountain, i was grateful for this reset. passion came not in the accumulation but in the absorption.

one hour rejuvenated me for one week. now that's an equation i can embrace.

first morning

i awoke today refreshed & excited to get started on the next 52 weeks.

first question to myself:

"how can i be more passionate today?"

and i found this is harder to answer than i thought.

great idea, frustratingly nebulous execution.

so i'm trying something i don't usually do, just to stir things up.

i'm listing 5 things i'm grateful for this morning.

1. sunshine, bright & warm with a promise of high 60-degree temps today. i missed out on this for the first 3 decades of my life; i won't take it for granted.

2. mountains that interrupt the horizon & display drastic textures that mess with the resulting shadows.

3. colors that clash & blend & harmonize.

4. the potential of the next 24 hours. with no school & no work on my schedule, i can make this day whatever i want.

5. hugs from 1 husband & 2 cats. and i won't complain about the cat hair today.

i'm already feeling more energized.

good morning, 2010.

Introducing: PASH10

what is PASH10?

i realized that, while i'm good at setting goals -- and, often, at meeting them -- i haven't demonstrated a proficiency in thematic goals. it seems many of my goals are short-sighted & don't adhere to a greater strategy.

this year, i named a theme of what i would like to develop in my life over the coming 365 days.

that theme is passion.

passion in my marriage, my faith, my relationships, my interests, my work, my studies, my interactions, and just the way i live my life overall.

a note on my habit history: as great as a concept something may be & as sincere as i am in my planning, i easily get distracted & realize several months later that i had committed to something which i have not done.

so i came up with a way i could remember this theme.

PASH10 stands for the following:

Peaceful

And

Stirred-up

Hope

2010

how do i define "passion"?

passion is often confused with insanity or overzealousness. but passion is child-like, not childish. true passion is focused energy, intense movement, contagious and inclusive creativity. it expands beyond its original intentions, and it ignites other blazes along the way. it is not destructive, except that it tears down walls, messes with stagnant traditions, digs up ruts, and breaks unnecessary rules.

when released, passion cannot be deconstructed or contained. it burns within all of us, but many of us have grown apathetic or disillusioned to its presence.

why PASH10?

i confess i am one of the apathetic people. i live life & love life, but i find myself hypnotized by the allure of comfort, convenience, and security. if someone were to ask me what makes me excited, i'm not sure i could give a consistent, honest answer.

this year is about discovering that answer & putting it into practice for the rest of my life. i'm setting mini-goals & self-dares to get myself unstuck & invigorated.

and i'm pretty terrified. you know, in that can't-wait-but-not-sure-what-i'm-getting-myself-into kind of way.

what do cottonwood blessings have to do with PASH10?

cottonwood blessings address both the "Peaceful" & the "Stirred-up" in the title. cottonwood came to me as a peaceful reassurance, a grounded & stabilizing encouragement of God's goodness & grace. and it came on stirred-up wind, movement that flowed & changed directions, inviting me to join with it. and "Hope" is the motivation, the goal, & the message.

in essence, then, cottonwood blessings are a complete physical demonstration of PASH10.

so, what's to come?

the blog entries that will follow throughout 2010 will be about my adventures in developing passion. it's an accountability thing, as well as a log of what i've gone through to live life in a more real way.

here's to an uncomfortable, inconvenient, insecure new year!