cottonwood blessings

day #94

2010-04-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

coming out from under a dark cloud.

my passion has been tested & refined during the past few months,

and i'm happy to say that i'm starting to see it again.

and this time, it's version 2.0!

i've come to recognize that my core values & strengths were not aligned with my behavior.

my energy was being diffused by activities & investments that were incongruent.

so i've taken some time to reacquaint myself with my "core",

and the plan is to work from there rather than take on whatever comes my way.

this year, passion is about authenticity.

it does me no good to go outside of who my Creator intended me to be:

it depletes my energy
it stunts my growth
it hurts others close to me
it gets really confusing

this morning, i sat down & wrote about my core.

i identified that i love to create, produce, encourage, research, collaborate, & delegate

(among many other things).

i also wrote down what i don't love:

things like detailed attention to financial responsibilities & engaging in mundane activities that lack challenge.

sure, we'll still have to be fiscally disciplined,

but now i can admit that i have interests & abilities in other areas which i'd like to pursue.

that holds promise, rather than a dead end.

i'm feeling energized this morning in a way i haven't in months.

i'm grateful for this Divine surge of excitement about possibilities & alignment.

being me:

it's less work, with greater rewards.

day #69

2010-03-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

spent last weekend in a screenwriting workshop.

this is a passion i've put off for a while.

i've dabbled here & there,

but i wouldn't allow myself to dive in.

with bob's encouragement, i did it.

it was a huge time & $ commitment,

but it was worth it.

i stretched.

i was uncomfortable.

i was creative.

and now there is no turning back.

to have that kind of opportunity & not do anything with it is ungrateful & unwise.

this year, passion is about seeking out deferred opportunities & acting upon them.

right now, i'm just feeling out a script concept,

but that won't be where it ends.

please hold me to that. ;)

day #55

2010-02-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

~be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.~

1 thessalonians 5:16-18

it's been a busy/tough past 2 weeks,

at least 4 days of which were spent sprawled on the couch in pain from a toothache.

but there was still joy in the pain, and passion to be celebrated.

the thing i'm learning this month about passion is that it comes from unexpected places & at unexpected times.

passion doesn't like to be predictable or controlled.

and it doesn't like to be ignored.

ignoring & not appreciating it causes it to go in search of another.

that was why the verses at the start of this entry appealed to me.

they're an invitation to gratitude even when things seems off/odd/wrong.

i'm coming to recognize that it's when things are o/o/w that passion is a breath away.

that unpredictable, uncontrollable creativity is being dislodged.

today, i'm appreciative of the interruption that breaks my routine,

the uncomfortable challenge that introduces me to new people,

the rote homework assignment that goes tangential into a new area of discovery.

today, i am praying to be perpetually, sincerely thankful.

day #43

2010-02-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

been reading through 1 thessalonians, & skipping over parts.

this is amusing to me, as the book is only 4 pages long in the message bible.

however, i found i couldn't relate with some elements & moved on.

and then i took a moment this morning to ask myself:

why can't i relate?

what are those elements?

the answer was this:

i couldn't relate with the intensity of love that paul expressed toward the thessalonians.

he genuinely loved them.

an intense philos love.

and that doesn't compute for me.

to me, philos love is a just nice, pleasant thing.

i'm unfamiliar with it having the passion of eros.

to hear it expressed to that level seems fraudulent, insincere.

but as i've gone back & read it over, it's completely sincere.

paul really liked these people!

so my passion paradigms are shifting a smidge this morning:

aching passion can be expressed in friendship & platonic appreciation.

that doesn't jive with me quite yet, but i'm open to examples.

today, i'm questioning the boundaries & limits i've placed on these relationships in my life.

day #41

2010-02-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

it's a birthday party!

i've been tied up with work, school, & a sick cat,

and today is bob's birthday.

but i've managed to make time & create space to embrace this special day.

birthdays are an interesting phenomenon.

they're a celebration of life & the uniqueness of each person,

but they can also be times of stress & the unpleasantry of unmet expectations.

today, i'm going easy on myself & bob so we can truly enjoy his day.

this year, passion is about celebrating the celebrations,

not freaking out & worrying over them.

after all, it's the improvised moments that mean the most in the end.

days #31-39

2010-02-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

it's been a long, hard week.

lots of driving & busyness,

mixed with trying to settle emotions stirred up by all the activity.

i don't tend to be an extremely emotional person,

so enduring emotional upheaval is a true test of patience for me.

but this unsettlement within me allowed me a window into something i rarely examine:

i was able to tune into how i feel about events, behaviors, etc.

typically, i'd make a quick decision about the situation & move on,

but being in this emotional place gave me an entirely different vantage point.

for example,

things that annoy me usually just get ignored by me,

but by checking into the feelings being triggered i could understand why i was annoyed.

my body was trying to give me messages to help me.

so this past week i learned to be a better listener to myself.

by working to know my feelings,

i can take on a new p.o.v. to open myself up to new possibilities.

i mean, what's passion without some emotion?

days #26-#30

2010-01-30T17:34:00.000-08:00

this week has been busy & full of life lessons.

i've traveled to & from tucson (soon to be to & from again),

assisted bob in editing our film to submit to a film festival,

attempted to actually get some work done at the office,

and engaged in a work activity that involved downtown PHX & the light rail.

that last one is what i want to really examine right now.

the concept of this event was a photo collage of an adventure with coworkers.

the purpose of it was to get us out of the office & learning about each other.

but that doesn't mean i wasn't partially dreading it.

my comfort zone is somewhat nebulous, but there is a key trait:

i act alone.

pushing my boundaries is a lot easier when i don't have someone there pushing them with me.

and this event forced me to push my boundaries with 5 people i barely know in a teamwork event.

can i tell you a secret?

it was great.

in my cynical college-student days,

i would've referred to this as mandated fun.

that day, though, i actually got it.

riding on the light rail, racing from museum to library,

i felt like i was expanding.

(it was probably just my comfort zone that was shape-shifting, but i could feel myself going along with it.)

passion is messy, and it must not be assigned parameters.

when i sit in a comfort zone of my own design with fences to keep me inside,

i miss out on the energy right outside it.

if i keep on doing what i've done before,

i'll just keep creating what i've created before.

that's boring.

God created us as relational beings,

and we need more than just ourselves to make real magic happen in this world.

so i now have 5 more people in my life, 5 more sources of creativity & magic.

days #22-#25

2010-01-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

i've been off the grid, indulging a growing passion:

bob, a team of PHX creatives, & i made a full microshort this weekend.

we've been making films together since we met:

he directs, i write, & we make magic happen.

it's tough working so closely & intensely sometimes,

and we've learned a lot about teamwork through it all.

i guess my passion for making films goes hand-in-hand with my passion for my marriage.

i see them as linked, since they have been since day 1.

i mean, we met because of a video camera!

(for that story, here is the article.)

my trouble is that i can be extremely passionate,

and when something goes awry i don't know how else to react but to smother my flame.

it's like i'm saying,

"if this isn't going to go my way, i'll just pretend i don't care at all."

self-sabotage.

neither films nor good marriages get made that way.

this year, passion means keeping the flame alive even when the wind blows,

the oxygen is all but gone,

and all i want to do is snuff out the wick.

it means fanning the flame & believing that a fire can result.

day #21

2010-01-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

today is my mom's birthday.

she's 29 & holding.

if there is anyone in this world who exhibits obvious passion in her life,

it's my mom.

mom loves teaching, as well as the kids in her class.

when i call her to catch up, i am always an audience to her stories of their successes or tragedies --

but most often their successes, since she believes so much in them.

(she does hurt when they hurt, too, and she shares this pain openly.)

passion for life, her family, and her faith drives my mom.

people love being around her because she exudes energy & positivity.

i am grateful to have such direct access to a real-life role model.

if you read this, mom, happy birthday.

days #19 & #20

2010-01-20T17:13:00.001-08:00

my senses go into overload a lot.

sometimes i get mentally overwhelmed,

and other times i just automatically block out some of the stimuli.

default attention-selection.

today as i walked in the brisk air to the mailbox, i decided to close my eyes.

shutting down that one sense ignited the others!

i felt the subtle breeze & smelled a pre-rain odor.

my tastebuds recalled the soy chai i had earlier.

i heard neighborhood life.

and all because i limited the input.

mind you, the scenery was fantastic.

a pastel-blending sunset framing the mountains.

there was nothing i wanted to avoid,

except for overstimulation.

for me, passion is about mindfulness, being alive from second to second.

but i get distracted, especially when life is happening.

you know, like all the time.

so today i'm taking time to shut down senses,

focusing on the sensations that remain.

days #15-#18

2010-01-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

three-day weekends throw me for a loop.

when i was younger, a day off meant VACATION!

now, it means having more time for organizing, errand-running, & homework.

my to-do list for today looks nothing like a passion-igniter.

but yesterday's message at our church certainly was.

after talking about how our small expectations can get in the way of God actually creating something awesome --

or, at least, get in the way of us appreciating it

-- pastor john challenged us to consider some questions during reflection time.

the last one was the one that got me:

what "small" dream do you need to kill off to make way for the big plans God has for you?

ouch.

i am notorious for planning first, then asking God what He thinks later.

and my dreams are often selfish.

so to be faced with a question asking what artery-clogging agent i am clinging to that is keeping the blood flowing to the right places...

well, needless to say i had an unexpected, uncomfortable about-face right then & there.

it's contradictory to say,

"i believe God has the best in mind for me,"

then go make my own plans & get angry at Him when He intervenes.

and my passion is squelched when i take it all into my own hands.

so i used the reflection time to do some serious open heart surgery.

i want those arteries cleaned out so my heart pumps clearly & in rhythm with Daddy's song for my life.

today, amongst the errand-running & such,

i'm making time to offer up dreams for the killing.

i know if He takes one, He'll replace it with something better.

He always has & always will.

and He is where true passion starts.

days #13 & #14

2010-01-15T06:57:00.000-08:00

learning to simplify.

it's hard to experience passion when i'm pulled in numerous directions.

i might mistake the ache of excitement for just an ache of overload --

if i feel the ache at all.

throughout the past several years, i've been learning about setting boundaries.

this includes knowing my limits & respecting them,

while also pushing those that have growth potential.

this requires some interesting conditional formatting in my life's excel table.

IF stretching in this area leads to simplification & joy,

THEN seek stretching opportunities.

IF stretching in this area leads to burnout & misery,

THEN set a boundary to honor known limits.

so as i'm simplifying, i'm reviewing some of my established boundaries.

for example, i'm currently working full-time & going to school full-time.

i'm also involved in making films with bob, writing articles for publication, maintaining this blog & my comic blog, attending church, networking socially/professionally, & other activities.

my time can only be divided so many ways, though,

so i'm evaluating ways to better simplify my activities so i can create room for passion.

bob, on the other hand, simplifies by removing clutter.

he feels open to creativity when his stuff if physically organized & stored away.

it's interesting all the preparations we need to make to welcome flow.

perhaps a dose of preventative medicine would be helpful next time...

what are some ways you've simplified your life?

leave a comment, or email me: jessica @ sailbear.net

day #12

2010-01-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

i decided to inconvenience myself today.

being someone who arranges grocery bags so everything can get carried in on one trip,

plots out maps so all errands can be run in one linear course,

and arranges my schedule to make room for surprises,

i don't allow space for inconvenience.

so i suppose i was due some.

the call came as i prepared to tackle a new data analysis project:

i was needed to assist with proctoring an exam.

this had not been in my schedule, and so i thought about my options:

being that this was an inconvenience for me, perhaps we should find a time when it would be more convenient &, therefore, comfortable.

but then i remembered why i do this job.

it's not about my sense of security;

it's about helping young people discover their passion.

why would i squash that because i had my own to-do list?

so i chose to be inconvenienced,

gathering all my items with me to take to the exam room.

(i wouldn't want to have to make a second trip because i forgot something.)

the student & i sat down,

she with her exam,

i without enough space to work on my project while waiting for her.

and i was uncharacteristically grateful for that,

because i would not have planned it that way.

when she finished, she smiled & thanked me several times.

i sincerely told her it was my pleasure.

i remembered my passion for my job today.

it came from getting out of my routine & actually looking at why i was there.

days #10 & #11

2010-01-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

i'm working on a list of passion-blockers.

as i write each one down, i feel a twinge of guilt at how i've let it get to me in the past.

fatigue

denial of ability/passion

fear

resistance

others' reactions

unrealistic standards

distraction

formalization

and so on...

my internal conflict comes from my belief that Jesus,

in all His wisdom & love,

has given us all unique passion in each of our lives.

however, we busy ourselves & bury the passion,

missing a key & pivotal opportunity in our lives to experience that personal gift!

as i look over this emerging list of passion-blockers, my guilt is that i've let these take over when i could be letting passion into the mix.

but it doesn't have to end there.

guilt motivates; shame incapacitates.

i won't let this turn to shame.

i'll let the guilt motivate me to bust down some of those passion-blockers.

the best antidote to passion-blockers is action.

simply making movement rather than letting them paralyze reduces much of their power.

today, when a passion-blocker shows up on the scene,

i'm starting a lively argument against it & taking action.

it's better than sitting still & feeling guilty forever.

day #9: a new face

2010-01-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

i just wanted to buy some mascara.

i had researched it for months in relation to my preferred mascara brand of several years,

the green clinique tube i've perpetually used beyond the recommended 4 months.

and as i sat in the chair receiving my impromptu 15-minute makeover,

i thought how comparatively impulsive it was for me to agree to this.

the artist, a friendly woman named debbie, worked quickly as she informed me about the various products coating my face & eyes.

she insisted my skin was dry & required "hydration".

"hydration" apparently feels like lacquer.

now don't get me wrong:

i love makeup.

i have a kaboodle kit --

yes, i still own one

-- filled with various eyeshadows, lipsticks, & eyeliners that i employee throughout the week.

i've been wearing an evolving regimen of products since i was 12.

and i've settled on the fact that i am a lips & eye girl.

but even those are in moderation.

so when i peeked in the mirror after the final coat of mascara was applied,

i was shocked at the array of colors that greeted me.

after the initial befuddlement that impaired my response system,

i was able to stammer that it was "fun."

after some careful blending & strategic product removal,

i could confess i kinda liked it.

you know, in that way that accepts a new situation but offers no personal commitment to it.

debbie was pleased with her creation, having admittedly gotten carried away during the process due to me practicing a yes-and mentality.

D: "i'm going to do two types of mascara, jessica."

J: "yes, and why not make it extra thick!"

i drove away with my new mascara & nothing more,

save the free products that were thrown in for being a first-time customer

(&, i like to believe, a good sport).

at each stoplight, i chipped a few more layers off the spider-web eyelashes on my left eye,

the length of which,

due to the length-enhancing serum within that one type of mascara,

bore a striking resemblance to falsies.

my glossified lips formed into a smile at how i'd embraced an opportunity atypical to me:

i met a new person & tried on a new face, all in the course of a fraction of an hour.

passion this year is about trying new things & experiencing the consequences,

rather than fearing those consequences and missing out.

the cost of a tube of mascara was worth that lesson this afternoon.

day #8: disconnect to connect

2010-01-08T06:56:00.001-08:00

i like this concept a lot:

"connecting by disconnecting".

i've also been recently made aware of a multi-tasking fast:

doing only one thing at a time.

mono-tasking.

while i don't struggle with a crackberry addiction or a need to drown my thoughts with the radio,

i do find myself wasting time being too "plugged in".

i'm not certain i could or should unplug completely in today's culture,

but this article has challenged me to cut back.

i realized how much i needed to as i watched TV last night while

emailing
working on a book proposal
writing an article
texting

eliminating one of those things would increase the quality of all the others.

i think i'll consider attempting the unplugging endeavor or the mono-tasking challenge.

or at least a modified variation of one.

day #7

2010-01-07T07:54:00.001-08:00

we ripped 3 links off the blue paper chain hanging in our bedroom this morning.
the chain represents our debt, each link being $1,000.

there was a time in my life when spending $1,000 was an absurd thought.
however, i came into this marriage with

$7,000 of debt that i owed on my car
+ $5,000 remaining on my school loan.
____________________________
$12,000 in the hole.

add that to what bob had being a homeowner with a mortgage,
and our chain was too long for us not to notice it.

since day 1 of our marriage, we've been working to rip off those paper links.
there is a growing stack of blue construction-paper strips on our shelf,
and we're salivating for the finish line.
(i know, it's a weird metaphor.)

passion this year means not allowing someone else to control our finances &, consequently, our lives.

being free of debt will allow us to
"live like no one else,"
to borrow dave ramsey's quote.

our goal is to be out of this money vacuum by bob's birthday next month.
with "gazelle-like intensity" (another dave-ism), we're zeroing in on that target.
will those remaining 7 links dissolve in the next 34 days?
stay tuned...

~don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other.~
romans 13:8

day #5 & #6

2010-01-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

much of my thinking takes place in the car.
i can already predict that --
should a pie chart be made of the topics this blog discusses this year
-- a mention of car drives will be a sizable & tasty slice.

as i drove to work yesterday, i found myself really listening to the lyrics on KLove.
i saw drivers & landscape around me.
colors were vibrant & organic.

in other words, i turned off the auto-pilot.

what fun to be engaged in the everyday moments!

i recall hearing eleanor josaitis, co-founder of focus: hope, speak once.
she remarked that she never took the same way to work.
now that is an adventure-seeker!
that is someone who is purposely keeping the auto-pilot off.

this morning, i decided to repeat yesterday's magic.
i even drove into work earlier so i could see a different landscape,
bathed with shadows & a deep-orange light from the rising sun.
i don't recall if i had the radio on the entire time,
but the songs that did play lifted my heart & energized me for the long day ahead.

sure, auto-pilot is helpful in some situations.
i'm not debating adaptational psychology here.
but today i'm keeping mine off so i don't miss a thing.

day #4: update

2010-01-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

bob has climbed aboard my attempt to mix it up, and we went on our own adventure tonight.

in the 4+ years we've been together, i'm not sure we've ever "gone out for a drink".

tonight, we took a break from our schedules,

claimed a happy hour,

& descended on sidebar.

we sat on a couch in a dimly lit upstairs bar with no more than 10 other people,

an old kung-fu movie playing on various flat-screens around us.

we sipped wine & brainstormed on upcoming projects,

much like we had when we were dating.

we flirted like we weren't married.

married passion in its most basic form.

the other night, we privately "renewed our vows" by simply promising all the things we hadn't known to promise at our wedding.

it was an amazingly emotional, unplanned moment.

it rejuvenated our partnership, and it didn't cost a penny.

and tonight's happy hour, food & all, cost us $14 (plus tip).

it just goes to show us that spouses can make cheap dates & awesome passion-igniting partners.

day #3 & #4

2010-01-04T06:46:00.001-08:00

yesterday, we visited our friends' church, poiema, one much closer to us than the one we've been attending in north phoenix.

it was odd doing this, as we've been going to PVCC since we moved here, and we've made some great friends there.

still, we were interested in checking out poiema & meeting some new people.

and for those of us who know genesis, our church back in royal oak, you'd know how at home we felt when we found out the following:

poiema is currently a bohemian church.

it was meeting in an elementary school that raised its rent,

so it moved onto another building that ended up having exposed asbestos,

and so it ended up yesterday in the basement/senior center of a generous (& humongous) phoenix church.

it was incredible to be there, people milling about outside & making new friends before the senior citizens let us into the building,

the energy of the unexpected,

the sounds of the latino church singing & praising in the space above us.

we stepped out of our comfort zone all morning & met people active in the arts, technology, & social justice concerns around phoenix.

and the pastor reminded us all that the Church isn't a building but rather community & relationships.

how beautiful to be part of this inconvenience!

and so this morning i am expressing gratitude for a roaming church that welcomed us in without hesitation,

for relationships that are real & for the fact that we are all moving forward!

day #2

2010-01-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

it's not so much that i was craving tea.

often my cravings force me into a no-nonsense beeline, and, since this was more of a leisurely sunday drive on a friday afternoon, all signs point to no craving.

no, what i was after was more the process than the result. so i embarked on a mini-adventure up the 51, next to the mountains that pop up & appear to swallow cars at shea, heading toward the artsy pedestrian bridges south of greenway. my moonroof was open as the sun warmed my shoulders, and i don't recall what i was listening to on the radio.

i was the only one in the parking lot at my favorite tea place, white august, and the tattooed woman who helped me select a white dessert tea called "ciao bella" didn't mind a customer to interrupt the non-busyness of the day. we chatted as my leaves steeped, and then i departed again, no real plan in mind.

and as i rounded the bend & saw a hazy downtown on the horizon framed by south mountain, i was grateful for this reset. passion came not in the accumulation but in the absorption.

one hour rejuvenated me for one week. now that's an equation i can embrace.

first morning

2010-01-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

i awoke today refreshed & excited to get started on the next 52 weeks.

first question to myself:

"how can i be more passionate today?"

and i found this is harder to answer than i thought.

great idea, frustratingly nebulous execution.

so i'm trying something i don't usually do, just to stir things up.

i'm listing 5 things i'm grateful for this morning.

1. sunshine, bright & warm with a promise of high 60-degree temps today. i missed out on this for the first 3 decades of my life; i won't take it for granted.

2. mountains that interrupt the horizon & display drastic textures that mess with the resulting shadows.

3. colors that clash & blend & harmonize.

4. the potential of the next 24 hours. with no school & no work on my schedule, i can make this day whatever i want.

5. hugs from 1 husband & 2 cats. and i won't complain about the cat hair today.

i'm already feeling more energized.

good morning, 2010.

Introducing: PASH10

2009-12-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

what is PASH10?

i realized that, while i'm good at setting goals -- and, often, at meeting them -- i haven't demonstrated a proficiency in thematic goals. it seems many of my goals are short-sighted & don't adhere to a greater strategy.

this year, i named a theme of what i would like to develop in my life over the coming 365 days.

that theme is passion.

passion in my marriage, my faith, my relationships, my interests, my work, my studies, my interactions, and just the way i live my life overall.

a note on my habit history: as great as a concept something may be & as sincere as i am in my planning, i easily get distracted & realize several months later that i had committed to something which i have not done.

so i came up with a way i could remember this theme.

PASH10 stands for the following:

Peaceful

And

Stirred-up

Hope

2010

how do i define "passion"?

passion is often confused with insanity or overzealousness. but passion is child-like, not childish. true passion is focused energy, intense movement, contagious and inclusive creativity. it expands beyond its original intentions, and it ignites other blazes along the way. it is not destructive, except that it tears down walls, messes with stagnant traditions, digs up ruts, and breaks unnecessary rules.

when released, passion cannot be deconstructed or contained. it burns within all of us, but many of us have grown apathetic or disillusioned to its presence.

why PASH10?

i confess i am one of the apathetic people. i live life & love life, but i find myself hypnotized by the allure of comfort, convenience, and security. if someone were to ask me what makes me excited, i'm not sure i could give a consistent, honest answer.

this year is about discovering that answer & putting it into practice for the rest of my life. i'm setting mini-goals & self-dares to get myself unstuck & invigorated.

and i'm pretty terrified. you know, in that can't-wait-but-not-sure-what-i'm-getting-myself-into kind of way.

what do cottonwood blessings have to do with PASH10?

cottonwood blessings address both the "Peaceful" & the "Stirred-up" in the title. cottonwood came to me as a peaceful reassurance, a grounded & stabilizing encouragement of God's goodness & grace. and it came on stirred-up wind, movement that flowed & changed directions, inviting me to join with it. and "Hope" is the motivation, the goal, & the message.

in essence, then, cottonwood blessings are a complete physical demonstration of PASH10.

so, what's to come?

the blog entries that will follow throughout 2010 will be about my adventures in developing passion. it's an accountability thing, as well as a log of what i've gone through to live life in a more real way.

here's to an uncomfortable, inconvenient, insecure new year!

weeding

2009-05-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about weeds,
particularly the ones in the parable of the sower.
in the first two scenarios the seeds didn't really get much of a chance:
birds ate 'em or the sun scorched 'em because they didn't really have good roots.

but in the third scenario,
the weeds,
the seeds were able to burrow down & begin to grow.

their success was compromised not by the soil but by the setting.

had they not succumbed to the distractions, temptations, & life worries,
they would have flourished.
and that is what sticks with me.

how much of my growth is compromised by my setting & its effect on me?
what are the weeds that twist around & choke out the life developing within me?

i've been thinking about weeds so i can get better at identifying them,
so i can find better soil & become a tree.

un-compartmentalizing

2009-01-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

here's my geek moment of the day:
i was looking at the word "Goals" & realized that if you put the a & l closer to each other...
...it says "Gods".
(which i interpreted to be "God's".)

so here's why i allowed that thought to take up more than a nanosecond of my time:
i have a tendency to keep things separate.
i would set my goals for the day, week, month, year, whatever,
and then i'd think,
"oh, i should really include God somewhere in there."

so i'd give Him a goal just for Him.
and keep the rest mine.

so today, looking at my goals for 2009, i thought to myself,
"have i included God in all of them?
after all, i am His child, and i'm totally wacko in love with Him.
why wouldn't i make sure that He's part of these?"

since i couldn't find an answer to that last question, i'm praying over the goals to make sure they're in line with my loving Daddy's leading.

happy new year to you all,
and best wishes on setting your 2009 Goals!

garden talk

2008-12-26T20:29:00.000-08:00

gardening isn't really my thing.
still, i'm fascinated by the thought of mulching.
being able to use the refuse of plants to produce new & healthy plants is so ingenious to me.

and as i ponder this,
i realize that my Gardener is in the business of mulching.
because i've got a ton of refuse that i've accumulated from

poor choices
shameful actions
skeletons in the closet

and i often don't think anything good can come out of that stuff.

it's a good thing God disagrees with me.
it's a good thing He composts my past & mulches it up to make my present & future beautiful.
the past doesn't get eradicated --
it is made functional for His purposes.

jessica jessica, how does your garden grow?
with lots of loving mulching that i can't do on my own.

tidings of joy & suffering

2008-12-13T09:56:00.000-08:00

i find it fascinating that this is a season of both
gladness
&
sorrow.

for some, there is gratitude for the gift of life & the opportunity to share all that it means.
for others, there is dread of the stress & sense of inadequacy the commercialized holidays bring out.
for even others, there is a depression that sets in from loss, loneliness, & lethargy.

to reduce/eliminate the holiday blues,
we don't send Christmas cards.
we don't have a brag-worthy nativity scene (we don't have one at all, actually).
we do decorate with lots of light.
we don't go to every holiday party we're invited to if we're tired or just need time alone.
we do have candles & scents that remind us that this is a special time.
we do make time to connect with others & share our thankfulness.

we only include elements into our celebration that make this a joyous occasion.

i want to wish everyone blessings during this month of hope,
and rest amongst the insanity.

breathe in the color,
transcend the chaos,
and feel the deep calm that the Gift of Christmas brings to us.

peace.

another gift

2008-12-03T20:33:00.001-08:00

today, i discovered the trees outside my office building are cottonwood.

the mouth trap

2008-11-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

as i read through proverbs,
there is a lot of attention paid to the mess our mouths can get us in.

gossip, complaining, breaking confidences, & just being stupid,
it's all mentioned on the "avoid" list.

but, gosh, it's so hard to break those habits!

i've been trying to cut down on my negative word quota,
and i'm finding it would be a whole lot easier if it weren't for having other people around.
instant popularity is not found in saying,
"no thanks, i'm not into talking about other people in a slanderous manner."

however, my outlook is improving as i pipe up with thankfulness.
at the risk of sounding pollyannaish,
i'm looking on the brightside because it's a heck of a lot more attractive.

God rewards those who follow His advice.
i'm working to make my words more attractive to Him.
who wants to join me?

leaning on that which stands on its own

2008-11-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

it's tough to keep track of what i depend on.
i have a list of plans:
plan a, plan b, plan c...
always something to back up the plan preceding it so i don't feel "out of control".

but these plans are really only illusions,
and this gets shoved in my face as often as God remembers to show love to me.

He doesn't like me depending on anything other than Him,
and rightly so:
there is nothing outside of Him that can stand on its own.

when i trust in something that lacks a proven perfect track record --
which seems to be everything, last i checked
-- i set myself up to be let down.

my Daddy disciplines those He loves.
not just when we mess up, but when we need to learn self-discipline.
the fruit of the Spirit, self-control.
He loves me & hurts when i choose another thing to lean on.
something inferior to Him.
how illogical to lean on something less dependable, eh?

so today i'm declaring that i'm going to put my trust in what works.
want to join me?
(hint: it's not money or career.)

the myth of achieving happiness

2008-11-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

when i would ask my clients what they wished to accomplish through therapy,
many shrugged & said half-jokingly,
"to be happy."
it was hard to share in the joke;
happiness doesn't really lend itself to creating a clinical treatment plan.

this is why:
happiness is a byproduct of other things, not an end result in itself.

people want it, but we cannot achieve it if it's what we're pursuing.

i heard a pastor on the radio yesterday remind us of what we should pursue:
a life of gratefulness.
giving thanks at all times,
not just in the good ones.

if we are followers of Jesus,
our lives should show a steady stream of thanksgiving.
bitterness & complaining are not becoming characteristics for His kids.

sure, there are times when things suck,
just like i mentioned a few posts ago.
and we don't have to pretend that everything is rosy when it isn't.
God didn't ask us to be blind, naive, or inept.
but as we pray on our circumstances let's give thanks for what IS working right now & what may come as a result of tough times.

happiness will escape our grasp when we reach for it,
but thankfulness leads us into joy & peace by its very nature.

trees & such

2008-11-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

i've been working with a friend on creating a film piece on trees.
God really seemed to have an affinity to that metaphor.
we're finding that we do, too.

the trees of our Lord are sturdy & dependable,
and they are dependent on Him for life & sustenance.
they don't run out of fruit -- ever!
and, gosh, does He ever love & care for them.

we're excited to make this piece to share His love of trees with others in His forest.
in the meantime,
let's all take a break & ask if we're really sticking to His job description for His trees.

giving thanks when things suck

2008-10-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

~be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. this is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.~
1 thessalonians 5:16-18

it isn't easy to be grateful all the time.
my default mode is set to "brood, worry, & complain".
switching out of that mode takes considerable effort.
i mention this because i've been working against my default a lot lately.
we're trying to sell our house back in detroit with a nasty economy,
and we're working our way out of an equally nasty financial situation.

so let's get thankful, eh?
well, if that's what you want, God, i'll give it my best shot.

the first step for me to get there was to realize that,
when faced with a problem,
i shook my puny fist at God & declared loudly,
"this sucks!"
and, of course, i went through the ick & guck & was better for it.
so i started to see a problem & think,
"this sucks, but not really because something cool will come from it."

note: this was not because i was becoming a better person;
it was totally because God was taking over.
left to myself, i would still be shaking my fist & complaining about my rotator cuff.

so He got me thinking about giving thanks.
and i started doing it each time i felt beat down.
"this sucks" ---> "...so thank You!"

it's getting easier with practice,
and i can tell God's claimed more parts of me as a result.
that in itself is something i can give thanks for...
amidst the suckiness...
which probably isn't that sucky after all.

in motion & out of strength

2008-10-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

i heard a comment today that really stuck with me:
God doesn't give strength to us when we're in motion.

the context of this is NOT that God doesn't help us when we have a lot going on.
in fact, the person who said it remarked that God always makes sure we won't run out of steam when we are under pressure.

the context of this statement IS that we need to be taking time to be still before God,
taking time to listen to Him & accept His strength as He works within us.
He doesn't toss strength as us as we run from starbucks to our car while we're on our cell phone.

our God is an intimate God.
His strength comes from those focused, intimate moments together.

the black hole

2008-10-15T21:17:00.001-07:00

my mouth gets me into a lot of trouble.
don't get me wrong --
i TRY to make it do good things.
but sometimes it just seems to have a mind of its own.

in reading ephesians 4, it's interesting how many things we are warned against that have to do with our mouths.
even the indirect ones, like being angry, are often expressed through words.

so how do we keep our black holes from sucking us into oblivion?

i've been trying to team up with the Spirit within me to get some of this tendency-toward-implosion under control.
trouble is that i like to do it on my terms,
and i find myself using my mouth to do a lot of the talking.
the Spirit, though, seems to prefer me to quiet down.
It wants to share some ideas on self-control, being that self-control is one of Its very own fruits.

so what am i learning?
to slow down.
to listen up.
to stay in rhythm with the Spirit, who in turn guides my words.

now, i'm still human.
so the words aren't always spot on,
and sometimes they are COMPLETELY off.
but then my mouth can do something really useful:
apologize.

i know i can't seal the black hole,
but i guess i'm praying that God will make me into a supernova.
a supernova that is really good at listening to Him.

the dirty rag problem

2008-10-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

the first time someone informed me of what "dirty rags" translated to in the Bible, it freaked me out.
and i felt really bad about all i was trying to do.
i was one of those kids who liked to work hard & make others proud.
all-american.
good work ethic.

and then i find out that God doesn't care about that stuff.

shoot.

i wanted so badly to win His favor with my smart thinkin', elbow grease, & lovableness,
but i come find out He just wanted me to LET GO of my need to earn His favor.
because i already have it.

but how could that be?
and why was it that when i DID try to win Him over things got all the more difficult?

it's taken me a lot of tries --
probably in the triple digits by now --
to not try.

today, i caught myself coming up with yet another plan to make God like me & make myself more usable for Him.
the dirty rags were piling up.
yet He's so patient, isn't He?

my prayer is that i let go of my need to act & earn,
and that i let my loving God direct me into the work He has for me.
that i act in His guidance & grace, not my own drive.

at some point, i gotta admit it:
i'm no good when i go in with my own agenda.
i guess i might as well make that confession today.

upgrading dream 1.0

2008-09-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i don't get it.
i've gone through it multiple times each year,
but i forget the protocol every time.

God gives me a dream.
i get excited.
i started to dream with this dream.

and this is where i go wrong.

i cling to the dream.
God asks for it back.
i tell him i want to figure it out first, that i have some great ideas.
He asks for it back.
i say no.
He waits patiently & keeps success from flowing to me.
i get frustrated because He gave me a dream & isn't coming through for me.
He waits patiently.
i get angry & cry & throw tantrums asking why He isn't blessing me.
He waits patiently.
i realize He's still asking for the dream back.

and this is where is where i go right.

i give it back.
He works within me & with the dream.
He gives it back to me bigger & better.
and i'm more able to handle it & be part of making it what it's meant to be:
His, not mine.

so dream 1.0 is really just an alpha.
i try to make it a beta.
God wants to launch it, but He wants it to be fully functional:
dream 2.0.

i'm praying that He'll help me to delete steps from the places i go wrong.
i'm praying that He'll help me give up dream 1.0 & trust Him with the process.

day 30

2008-09-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

we're 1/3 of the way through.
33.3333333333333...%
but that 1/3 is just when it comes to time, not to the actual goal.

we prayerfully set the goal of raising $80,000 in 90 days.
the purposes of this goal were to help us:

get focused on the Lord
get out of debt
get giving to some important causes.

of course, we realize $80,000 isn't petty cash.
so we have been working daily to create new opportunities for cash flow & savings.

we've done well with the savings part.
cash flow is a bit more challenging.

but every morning, we pray that God will lead us in this goal,
that we will be intentional & work together with Him to make something happen much bigger than us.
we can't do this on our own, and we don't want to.

there is a log of all our progress & regress each day since we started.
it's interesting to see how far we've come according to this log.
i write much more, and bob is much more serious about filming & teaching.
we don't have cable, and we hardly watch TV.
eating out is a rare occasion, and i'm learning [slowly] how to cook.

we don't just dream now -- we act.

it must be clarified here:
we're not trying to get out of debt so we can be rich.
it's more of the idea of not serving 2 masters,
and right now the monster comprised of student loans, mortgage, & bills is quite our slave-driver.

so we're giving back the reins to our true & good Master,
and we're saying,
"You own everything; work in us in this situation so we can help others in theirs."

a prayer

2008-09-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

God, morph me.

the foot bath

2008-09-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

i am fascinated by the thought of Jesus washing feet.
regardless of cultural tradition & symbolism, i just love that this Guy cared SO MUCH about the other guys He hung out with that He took on one of the stinkiest parts of the male body.
that is LOVE.

but here's the kicker --
He tells them that He has to wash all their feet to include them in what He was doing.
(i'm sure judas was plenty perturbed by that thought.)
see, Jesus wanted them to feel what it is like to be honored by one who does not need to do so.

because that was their assignment after He left.

in reading this story, it has nudged me to think about ways i can wash others' feet.
i'm not all that into the act of it, so i'm sticking with the symbolism of it:
showing humble love & respect toward another.
it's a bit more personal than tossing an extra $1 into the make-a-wish jar at the store.

so i guess i'm on a quest to become a human foot bath.

unsettling down

2008-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

i find it funny that i have to ask myself if i want to go deeper with God.
shouldn't the answer be an automatic & resounding "YES!"?
yet i realize that such a decision creates consequences elsewhere:
going deeper denotes excavation,
and excavation causes other areas to get stirred up & disrupted.
see the helpful flowchart below:

going deeper ---------> knocking my ducks out of a row

i work really hard to get my stuff settled.
i don't like having to start over again.
call it laziness, i call it...yep, laziness works.

someone once said,
"some people say, 'Jesus came along & took my life & got it all straightened out.'
that's not what happened to me.
i had everything where i wanted it, and He came along & shook it all up!"

that's what going deeper with Him requires:
regular shake-ups.
not settling.

and when i feel that tug on my heart of the Spirit wanting to show me something new,
i instinctively go into the pro-con list to evaluate if i can risk learning it at this point.

i'm working to realize it's not about me "risking" to learn.
it's about me being ready to say, "yes Lord," whenever He shows up.
cuz He cares less about my duck rows & more about me never settling with where i am.

legos

2008-08-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

when i look around at people, i am baffled by the vast array of differences that exist.
sometimes i ask (& have overheard others say),
"why didn't He just make us all alike?"
and then i see a pack of legos & realize that this is more like how God works.

we are not meant to exist alone.
a solitary lego is of little use other than to hurt a whole lot when you step on it.
but blend it with other colors, shapes, sizes,
and you get a colorful house or a pirate ship or a whole new imaginative construct.
solitary legos just can't get that far.

next time you decide it's time to just go it alone or find someone exactly like you to work with,
remember that the end result will be a lot less dynamic & effective.
we need the different strengths & perspectives that others bring.
that was in our Lord's lego blueprints, after all.

~independence? that is middle-class blasphemy. we are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.~
george bernard shaw

kids these days

2008-08-09T12:53:00.001-07:00

it was on my first mission trip at age 14 that i realized that being young could be a useful thing.
somehow, i had picked up on the message that a person could not do something of worth until s/he was an "adult".
seeing the zeal of my peers & the products of our Christ-focused teamwork convinced me:
Jesus really can use people under the age of 18!

what bothers me, though, is that there continues to be evidence of reverse ageism when it comes to leadership in the church.
i am not foolish enough to think that young people have the wisdom of their elders,
but i am idealistic enough to believe that they can accomplish a lot more than they are often encouraged to aspire to.
while there is ongoing dialogue focusing on the unfair attention paid to youthful appearance,
it misses the under-empowerment of younger leaders due to favoring established figures.

Jesus called the little children to Him.
the apostle paul told timothy not to let people look down on him for his age.

there are progressive, Jesus-following communities taking action to include & utilize the tweeners, teens, millenials, & gen-Xers.
these are the communities we spend time in & serve through.
it's time for ALL AGES to be valued & recognized as of worth to our King.
we can all teach & learn from each other.

title of the song

2008-08-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

why would someone who is allergic to cottonwood consider it a blessing?
that's what i asked in order to get this exclusive interview...with myself.

Q: what's the story behind the title?

A: i was on a walk in my neighborhood several years ago, frustrated with the pain i was in & my perception of God's lack of intervention. i kept chasing after His approval & His gifts, and i came up empty-handed. i am a recovering type A, so this was not a pleasing result to me. as i argued with the Lord on this walk, i saw a cottonwood fluff float by me. i grabbed at it...& missed. bad aim. i tried again, closing my fist around the target. i opened it. empty.

Q: i think we get the picture.

A: well, i didn't. i was a bit too steeped in my own anger & hurt to think clearly, and i kept on chasing that fluff & grabbing at it. every time, i ended up with nothing.

Q: did you give up?

A: technically, yes. i reached a cul de sac, and i had to turn around. i was so upset at this point; nothing i was striving for was coming to me. and then i started to walk with the wind to my back, not reaching for the fluffs -- and a shower of them landed on me. i didn't even have to open my hands to grasp them. it was like God was saying, "I will provide. cease striving, my child."

Q: did you?

A: it took some practice (it still does), but i'm getting better. with the help of the One who makes the cottonwood, of course. i'm learning to rest and trust that He will bring the right blessings by His grace & in His time.

being human

2008-08-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

know what's great about God?
He doesn't expect superhumanism.
when He says to get along with others, it's always framed in a reasonable manner.
He tells us to take breaks & get rest.
and He only tells us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers.
i like following a proactive, reasonable, caring Deity.
it makes me want to love Him back.
and keep working at doing what He says,
knowing He'll accept me regardless of my imperfections.

preview

2008-07-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

en route to church today, i was caught by a thought:
i was getting a chance to immerse myself in a preview of Whom i'd be worshiping.

much like when i was in high school & would listen to every album of the band i was on my way to see in concert.
getting to know their work.
getting to appreciate their genius.
it put me in the right frame of mind to be in awe.

the mountains, the sky, the people driving next to me.
all were pointing me toward the Headline Performer.